Yeah...I'm Ryan Lochte. Hey...you wanna see me crush a beer can between my thighs? I'm a swimmer. I'm a really fast swimmer. I like to go out on the town. C'mon...let's go...to the playground. It's a gas station over there. Let's mess with the bathroom. I'm gonna go home now. What you guys doin'? I'm gonna go get on the plane. Watch me crush a beer can between my thighs. I'm a swimmer. I can swim real fast. I can swim so fast, you won't even see me swimmin'. When I swim, you won't even see me swimmin cause I swim so fast. Crush a beer can between my thighs...I'm Ryan Lochte. Gonna go back home and start a taco stand. Ryan Lochte's Late Night Tacos. Gonna be on TV, Get a contract for a movie, It's the story of Ryan Lochte. Oh, this is the part where you get to watch me dance. Watch my moves. Ryan Lochte poppin' and lochin'. Pop and lochin' like Ryan Lochte. Late night taco stand, Ryan Lochte. Back up on the taco stand, Ryan Lochte, late night tacos. It's on TV, Come and see me, I gotta white hair, and I'm dreamy.

Yeah...I'm Ryan Lochte, and I'm back, Dealin' with my heart attack. I thought Bob Fescoe was my bromeo, Till he told me I could hit the road. I didn't know that he didn't like my tacos. What's the deal, bro? I thought you and me would be together forever. We'd see the sights. I'd show ya how to crush a beer can between your thighs. I'd show ya how to swim, So fast...so fast like you can't even be seen. It's like a dream. White hair, and Nicorette between your teeth. You put it on your taco, it makes ya macho. Ryan Lochte likes to pop and loch like the best, Not like the rest. You go and run up to your steeple, And piss all over people. You broke my heart. You smell like farts. I just gonna go to the other station, Say to the nation, Ryan Lochte's got a new sensation. 810 is the station that craves the sound of the Lochte. Wanna rock me? Maybe you don't. Maybe you won't. I'm broken-hearted. It smells like you farted. It's so stinky in here, The smell of your broken heart farts. I'm Ryan Lochte. Swim Life. So Fast.

Oh man...I need some help, I'm so broken hearted. I wish someone would come down and help me. ENTER MICHAEL PHELPS Yo, quit your bitchin' and get up and dance, I'm the Funky Phelps Master with the stones in my pants. Rockin' Lochte Taco Station with a solid gold stack. Comin' up from the water like Poseidon on crack. You never wanna wrangle with a winner like me, Cause I'll freestyle 200 meters into the deep, Bringin' you down to the town of the lovely Atlantis, Where the ladies all love the Phelps golden advantage. You feelin' that warmth that be spillin' around ya? It's the secret of my speed as I'm strokin' the water. You wanna mess up a bathroom? Man, don't be a fool. I keep the homies ridin' short cause I piss in the pool. Oh man...is that how you won all of those? I put Nicorette on my tacos. I pop and loch in my Speedos. I mess up bathrooms in Rio. I'm crushin' beer cans between my thighs, I'm a swimmer. You gotta be frontin' with this garbage you spillin', Cause while you're soakin' up my piss, I'm in the hot tub straight chillin', Gettin' weighed down by the gold on my chest, You gotta wag your little wee wee to beat my best. So now the Funky Phelps Magic is bestowed upon you. When you step up to the block, You know how I do. That little wee wee hits the water, and you just let go. You'll find the golden land cometh, When you're feelin' the flow. You just go. Oh yeah...I feel so macho, I'm gonna piss on my taco. Pop and loch, Ryan Loche, pissin' in the pool. Thank you Michael Phelps. Ryan Lochte you are under arrest for indecent exposure. What about my taco stand? Come with us please. You can get back to that later. Come with us please. Ok. Swim Life. So Fast.